But I Didn't Say Goodbye

 Book Review

September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month, and in our bereavement library here at the funeral home, we have a wonderful book penned by Barbara Rubel entitled, But I Didn't Say Goodbye: For parents and professionals helping child suicide survivors. 

But I Didn't Say Goodbye is broken into two major parts. As Barbara Rubel explains in her introduction, part one introduces us to a young boy named Alex, whose father has just completed suicide. Naturally frightened, confused and mourning his father's passing, Alex is asking those in his life questions, including whose at fault for his father's suicide, could he have prevented it, what will happen to his mother and how to tell his friends and classmates about his father's dead. The second part, is geared towards parents and professionals and offers information on setting up a Memorial Fund, and aids to help them in finding survivor support. 

What is nice about this book, is the format in which it is written. During part one, which is Alex reflecting back five years ago when he was ten and in the fifth grade, it is broken into nine small chapters of no more than 2 to 5 pages at most. Each chapter starts with Alex speaking directly to whoever is reading his story, as he's explaining what's going on at that particular moment. When he begins to ask questions of the person he is speaking to, these are separated into individual questions, with Alex's question in bold print, and the adult's answer directly underneath his question. Alex also takes the time to tell the reader what he is thinking while asking questions, which helps the reader to understand that this is truly a discussion going on. 

At the end of each chapter, there is a Stop to Process page, with a serious of questions, that can help facilitate a deep and meaningful discussion between an adult and the child reading this section of the book. Questions on these page include, "How do I feel about the person who told me that my special person died?" or "How does the word suicide make me feel?" There are also options for the child to explore their feelings in other ways other than talking, such as drawing a picture, making a list, or writing a special poem. 

The final chapter of the story is a note written from Alex, and explains how Alex, his sister Debbie, and his mom have continued to celebrate and remember his father. He also speaks about how he went to a support group and what it was like. He ends his note by encouraging everyone to keep reading and researching their feelings to help them continue to cope with their loss. 

Part two of the book is for the parents, professionals and caregivers of children dealing with the loss of a loved one from suicide. This section is simply titled Bereavement Referrals, and is a very detailed list of various organizations and other resources for those looking for suicide awareness, prevention and survivor support; death education and grief counseling; crises intervention; addictions; information on depression and suicidology websites. For many of the organizations, Rubel has provided the name and contract information, as well as a detailed description of the organization. 

Rubel has chosen to conclude her book by adding an appendix with lists of recommended resources for children, adults and professionals. 

In 2020, Ms. Rubel updated her book, and what follows below is the summary of the updated version from Barbara Rubel's website. 

But I Didn't say Goodbye: Helping Families After a Suicide tells the story, from the perspective of an eleven-year-old boy, Alex, and his family, as they are rocked by suicide and reeling from the aftermath. Through Alex's eyes, the reader sees the transformation of feelings after going through a suicide from a child's perspective, although he has the wisdom of a bereaved adult. 

New to the third edition, each chapter ends with Alex reflecting 10 years later on his experience, introducing family and friends in his recollections. Barbara Rubel has combined our modern academic theories of grieving, and the research that supports those theories, and then translated them into a readable story for anyone bereaved by suicide. 

The revised edition is an evidence-informed and contemporary treatment of a devastating form of loss that uses a hypothetical case study to render it in human terms. Through the story, the reader will understand what losing someone to suicide might be like for a family, how to make meaning, and ways to experience personal growth. This book provides guidance and education for clinicians and families to help suicide loss survivors. 

Part 1 offers a basic understanding of suicide postvention, complicated grief, mourning theories, and the impact on clinician survivors. Chapters have been updated, based on mourning models and the latest research.

The chapters in Part 2 build upon one another from the day of the suicide to the anniversary. At the end of each chapter, there are follow-up questions to explore in counseling sessions, support groups, therapy sessions, or at home. At the end of each chapter, Alex, at the age of 21, reflects back on how his father's death has changed his life, wounding him, but also helping him to grow. 

This award winning book explores a trauma-informed and grief-informed approach to helping those who are traumatically bereaved. 

For those who'd like to borrow But I Didn't Say Goodbye: For parents and professionals helping child suicide survivors, you can contact the funeral home and borrow it from our bereavement library.

If you'd like a copy of the newest edition of But I Didn't Say Goodbye, you can purchase a copy by visiting Barbara Rubel's website by clicking here.

 

Helping Your Child Deal With Death

 

When a loved one dies, children feel and show their grief in different ways. How kids cope with the loss depends on things like their age, how close they felt to the person who died, and the support they receive.

Here are some things parents can do to help a child who has lost a loved one:

1. When talking about death, use simple, clear words. To break the news that someone has died, approach your child in a caring way. Use words that are simple and direct. For example, "I have some sad news to tell you. Grandma died today." Pause to give your child a moment to take in your words. 

2. Listen and comfort. Every child reacts differently to learning that a loved one has died. Some kids cry. Some ask questions. Others seem not to react at all. That's OK. Stay with your child to offer hugs or reassurance. Answer your child's questions or just be together for a few minutes.

3. Put emotions into words. Encourage kids to say what they're thinking and feeling in the days, weeks, and months following the loss. Talk about your own feelings: It helps kids be aware of and feel comfortable with theirs. Say things like, "I know you're feeling very sad. I'm sad, too. We both loved Grandma so much, and she loved us, too."

4. Tell your child what to expect. If the death of a loved one means changes in your child's life, head off any worries or fears by explaining what will happen. For example, "Aunt Sara will pick you up from school like Grandma used to." Or, "I need to stay with Grandpa for a few days. That means you and Dad will be home taking care of each other. But I'll talk to you every day, and I'll be back on Sunday."

5. Talk about funerals are rituals. Allow children to join in rituals like viewings, funerals, or memorial services. Tell your child ahead of time what will happen. For example, "Lots of people who loved Grandma will be there. We will sing, pray, and talk about Grandma's life. People might cry and hug. People will say things like, 'I'm sorry for your loss,' or, 'My condolences.' Those are polite and kind things to say to the family at a funeral. We can say, 'Thank you,' or, 'Thanks for coming.' You can stay near me and hold my hand if you want."

You might need to explain burial or cremation. For example, "After the funeral, there is a burial at a cemetery. The person's body is in a casket (coffin) that gets buried in the ground with a special ceremony. This can feel like a sad goodbye, and people might cry." Share your family's beliefs about what happens to a person's soul or spirit after death.

Explain what happens after the service as a way to show that people will feel better. For example, "We all will go eat food together. People will laugh, talk, and hug some more. Focusing on the happy memories about Grandma and on the good feeling of being together helps people start to feel better."

6. Give your child a role. Having a small, active role can help kids master an unfamiliar and emotional situation such as a funeral or memorial service. for example, you might invite your child to read a poem, pick a song to be played, gather some photos to display, or make something. Lets kids decide if they want to take part, and how.

7. Help your child remember the person. In the days and weeks ahead, encourage your child to draw pictures or write down favorite stories of their loved one. Don't avoid mentioning the person who died. Recalling and sharing happy memories help heal grief and activate positive feelings. 

8. Respond to emotions with comfort and reassurance. Notice if your child seems sad, worried, or upset in other ways. Ask about feelings and listen. Let your child know that it takes time to feel better after a loved one dies. Some kids may temporarily have trouble concentrating or sleeping, or have fears or worries. Support groups and counseling can help kids who need more support. 

9. Help your child feel better. Provide the comfort your child needs, but don't dwell on sad feelings. After a few minutes of talking and listening, shift to an activity or topic that helps your child feel a little better. Play, make art, cook, or go somewhere together. 

10. Give your child time to heal from the loss. Grief is a process that happens over time. Be sure to have ongoing conversations to see how your child is feeling and doing. Healing doesn't mean forgetting about the loved one. It means remembering the person with love, and letting loving memories stir good feelings that support us as we go on to enjoy life. 

Parents: While we try to focus on the kids here on Kid's Corner, this week's blog post is aimed at you. We understand that many times parents aren't sure how to approach the subject of death with their children. We hope that this article will give you some guidance. 

This week's article, Helping Your Child Deal With Death was reviewed by D'Arcy Lyness, PhD for KidsHealth from Nemours and was published on KidsHealth.org.