Helping Children Grieve and Grow: A Guide For Those Who Care

Book Review

Helping Children Grieve and Grow: A Guide for Those Who Care was reviewed by Joy Johnson and appeared in Blessed Are They Who Mourn August 2000 issue. 

Helping Children Grieve and Grow; A Guide for Those Who Care, written by Donna O'Toole with Jerre Cory. Published by Compassion Press, 479 Hannah Branch Road, Burnsville, North Carolina 28714. Available from Centering Corporation, 1531 North Saddle Creek Road, Omaha, Nebraska 68104, (402)553-1200.

Donna O'Toole has been around the grief community for a long time. She's the author of the charming Aarvy Aardvark Finds Hope and Growing Through Grief, the excellent grief curriculum for schools, churches, and other groups. Now she's combined with Jerre Cory, social worker and educator, to create a very simple, usable book for everyone who works with grieving children.

This is an attractive book, done in shades of mauves and greens and yellows. The information inside is clearly done, easy to read and accurate. The authors welcome us and compare the way a child can grow through grief to a small acorn dropped from the ruins of a fallen oak. To break the seed from darkness into light requires effort and, as the skin Horse says in The Velveteen Rabbit, 'It doesn't happen all at once, it takes time. But when it happens it makes a real human being.'"

The section I like best and that I personally find most valuable is, "How can I understand the losses of children?" Here we find six categories of childhood loss from relationship loss (people and animals) to the loss of familiar habits and routine. We find a list of losses that are easily recognized, and those that are often not recognized. All in one clearly written page, we learn that loss means different things to different children, and that it spans a lifetime. The simple wisdom that strikes me here is the statement about how important it is to recognize the child's loss and name it. 

"When you name something you give it value." And when you name and identify it, you gather some control over it.

The next two pages, "How can I understand children's grief?" is not clear, and it could have been. There's enough room to make a list rather than absorb into paragraph form, but a lot of valuable information gets shared in a small space. "How will I know a child is grieving?" could have a better title, but it does bring us back to the easy listings that I find refreshing and very thorough.

All the remaining sections give good information too.

• "Do children and adults grieve the same way?"
• "Can I help children when I am grieving?"
• What can I say and do that will help?"
• "How do you talk to children about death?"
• "Are there special concerns that grieving children face?"

And there are three small sections on resources.

Are there weakness in this book? Yes-and they're totally what my taste dictates, others may well see them as strengths. There is a section entitled "What helps children bounce back?" and it's very good, but it's hidden between two pages of resources. This is a good section that I think would do better in a different spot, and it's a section where some wordiness clouds the simplicity found in the rest of the book. For example: "Intact personal boundaries: Children with intact personal boundaries can recognize and act on their unique need for personal autonomy-independence of thought and action. They can also rely on others when it is helpful to do so." I'm still not sure just exactly what that says.

There is a unique feature in this little book, and it may or may not be a weakness depending on your own tastes. The book is written much like a calendar, with the pages reading from side to side rather than up and down. You don't curl up with this little gem, you need a table or desk for the best comfort in reading. It likes being spread out. And it may like being hung up, too. The section on "How can I find help-to help the children?" could be better too. But then, after all, this is a small book and you can only list so much. Again, there's a wordiness not usually found in an O'Toole book, but that doesn't overly detract. It's good to see valuable material done in an easy, direct way. 

Helping Children Grieve and Grow: A Guide For Those Who Care by Donna O'Toole with Jerre Cory can be purchased from Amazon by clicking here. 

August's Kid's Corner Activity: Bead Memory Bracelet's

This month's Kid's Corner Activity is Beaded Memory Bracelets

To make beaded memory bracelet's you will need:

• Elastic thread, string, or ribbon
• Beads of all colors, shapes, sizes, and designs
• Scissors

Instructions

1. Cut elastic thread, string, or ribbon to the length that you want
2. Pick beads that make you think of specific memories of your loved one
3. Thread each bead onto the thread, string, or ribbon
4. Tie a knot at the end of the thread, string, or ribbon
5. Exchange bracelets if you want or make them for your whole family

Parents,

Some kids and teens, even adults worry they will forget stories and memories about the person in their lives who died. Beads can help symbolize and remind us of these special memories. Create a beaded memory bracelet with beads that mean something to you or to the person who died. You can also draw pictures or write stories about the memories you think of when you look at each bead. 

For those unable to make a beaded memory bracelet, we encourage you to download the beaded memory bracelet design which can be found by clicking here. Draw and color the beads in ways to help you remember your loved one. 

This month's Kid's Corner Activity Time comes from The Dougy Center, associated with the National Grief Center for Children and Families. The Dougy Center provides support in a safe place where children, teens, young adults, and families who are grieving can share their experiences before and after a death. 

Welcome to your Safe Space

 

Welcome!

On behalf of our family, we want to welcome you to your safe space. This blog and everything on it is for you-the kids who have lost a loved one. The ones looking for information that you can trust to help you as you grieve your loss and explore the vast emotions and feelings that come with that loss.

On this page, you will find articles offering advice and support; videos to help explain what you are feeling; stories by other children just like you who have lost a loved one; photos, and even activities to help you safely explore and express your emotions. 

So we want to hear from you-tell us what you like and what you don't like. Feel free to ask questions of our directors and staff. Let us know what we can do to help you. 

Remember, your emotions are important, and it's okay to have questions. 

A quick note to parents and adults visiting this blog:

We are happy that you and your child(ren) have found our blog spot and we sincerely hope that it will help both them as well as you journey together through the loss of your loved one. As we have several blogs through our funeral home, we just wanted to let you know that we have dedicated Wednesdays for our Kid's Corner blog, and new material will appear here every week. 

On the first Wednesday of every month, we will post our Kid's Corner Activity, a fun, simple, and safe way for your child(ren) to express their emotions regarding their loss, while helping them remember their loved one.

We love to hear from our readers, so please, feel free to reach out to us with ideas or suggestions for our blog. If your child(ren) would like to contribute to our blog, whether in writing or drawings, we would love to share it. You can email items like that to martensaftercare@gmail.com.