Helping Children Grieve and Grow: A Guide For Those Who Care

Book Review

Helping Children Grieve and Grow: A Guide for Those Who Care was reviewed by Joy Johnson and appeared in Blessed Are They Who Mourn August 2000 issue. 

Helping Children Grieve and Grow; A Guide for Those Who Care, written by Donna O'Toole with Jerre Cory. Published by Compassion Press, 479 Hannah Branch Road, Burnsville, North Carolina 28714. Available from Centering Corporation, 1531 North Saddle Creek Road, Omaha, Nebraska 68104, (402)553-1200.

Donna O'Toole has been around the grief community for a long time. She's the author of the charming Aarvy Aardvark Finds Hope and Growing Through Grief, the excellent grief curriculum for schools, churches, and other groups. Now she's combined with Jerre Cory, social worker and educator, to create a very simple, usable book for everyone who works with grieving children.

This is an attractive book, done in shades of mauves and greens and yellows. The information inside is clearly done, easy to read and accurate. The authors welcome us and compare the way a child can grow through grief to a small acorn dropped from the ruins of a fallen oak. To break the seed from darkness into light requires effort and, as the skin Horse says in The Velveteen Rabbit, 'It doesn't happen all at once, it takes time. But when it happens it makes a real human being.'"

The section I like best and that I personally find most valuable is, "How can I understand the losses of children?" Here we find six categories of childhood loss from relationship loss (people and animals) to the loss of familiar habits and routine. We find a list of losses that are easily recognized, and those that are often not recognized. All in one clearly written page, we learn that loss means different things to different children, and that it spans a lifetime. The simple wisdom that strikes me here is the statement about how important it is to recognize the child's loss and name it. 

"When you name something you give it value." And when you name and identify it, you gather some control over it.

The next two pages, "How can I understand children's grief?" is not clear, and it could have been. There's enough room to make a list rather than absorb into paragraph form, but a lot of valuable information gets shared in a small space. "How will I know a child is grieving?" could have a better title, but it does bring us back to the easy listings that I find refreshing and very thorough.

All the remaining sections give good information too.

• "Do children and adults grieve the same way?"
• "Can I help children when I am grieving?"
• What can I say and do that will help?"
• "How do you talk to children about death?"
• "Are there special concerns that grieving children face?"

And there are three small sections on resources.

Are there weakness in this book? Yes-and they're totally what my taste dictates, others may well see them as strengths. There is a section entitled "What helps children bounce back?" and it's very good, but it's hidden between two pages of resources. This is a good section that I think would do better in a different spot, and it's a section where some wordiness clouds the simplicity found in the rest of the book. For example: "Intact personal boundaries: Children with intact personal boundaries can recognize and act on their unique need for personal autonomy-independence of thought and action. They can also rely on others when it is helpful to do so." I'm still not sure just exactly what that says.

There is a unique feature in this little book, and it may or may not be a weakness depending on your own tastes. The book is written much like a calendar, with the pages reading from side to side rather than up and down. You don't curl up with this little gem, you need a table or desk for the best comfort in reading. It likes being spread out. And it may like being hung up, too. The section on "How can I find help-to help the children?" could be better too. But then, after all, this is a small book and you can only list so much. Again, there's a wordiness not usually found in an O'Toole book, but that doesn't overly detract. It's good to see valuable material done in an easy, direct way. 

Helping Children Grieve and Grow: A Guide For Those Who Care by Donna O'Toole with Jerre Cory can be purchased from Amazon by clicking here.