But I Didn't Say Goodbye

 Book Review

September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month, and in our bereavement library here at the funeral home, we have a wonderful book penned by Barbara Rubel entitled, But I Didn't Say Goodbye: For parents and professionals helping child suicide survivors. 

But I Didn't Say Goodbye is broken into two major parts. As Barbara Rubel explains in her introduction, part one introduces us to a young boy named Alex, whose father has just completed suicide. Naturally frightened, confused and mourning his father's passing, Alex is asking those in his life questions, including whose at fault for his father's suicide, could he have prevented it, what will happen to his mother and how to tell his friends and classmates about his father's dead. The second part, is geared towards parents and professionals and offers information on setting up a Memorial Fund, and aids to help them in finding survivor support. 

What is nice about this book, is the format in which it is written. During part one, which is Alex reflecting back five years ago when he was ten and in the fifth grade, it is broken into nine small chapters of no more than 2 to 5 pages at most. Each chapter starts with Alex speaking directly to whoever is reading his story, as he's explaining what's going on at that particular moment. When he begins to ask questions of the person he is speaking to, these are separated into individual questions, with Alex's question in bold print, and the adult's answer directly underneath his question. Alex also takes the time to tell the reader what he is thinking while asking questions, which helps the reader to understand that this is truly a discussion going on. 

At the end of each chapter, there is a Stop to Process page, with a serious of questions, that can help facilitate a deep and meaningful discussion between an adult and the child reading this section of the book. Questions on these page include, "How do I feel about the person who told me that my special person died?" or "How does the word suicide make me feel?" There are also options for the child to explore their feelings in other ways other than talking, such as drawing a picture, making a list, or writing a special poem. 

The final chapter of the story is a note written from Alex, and explains how Alex, his sister Debbie, and his mom have continued to celebrate and remember his father. He also speaks about how he went to a support group and what it was like. He ends his note by encouraging everyone to keep reading and researching their feelings to help them continue to cope with their loss. 

Part two of the book is for the parents, professionals and caregivers of children dealing with the loss of a loved one from suicide. This section is simply titled Bereavement Referrals, and is a very detailed list of various organizations and other resources for those looking for suicide awareness, prevention and survivor support; death education and grief counseling; crises intervention; addictions; information on depression and suicidology websites. For many of the organizations, Rubel has provided the name and contract information, as well as a detailed description of the organization. 

Rubel has chosen to conclude her book by adding an appendix with lists of recommended resources for children, adults and professionals. 

In 2020, Ms. Rubel updated her book, and what follows below is the summary of the updated version from Barbara Rubel's website. 

But I Didn't say Goodbye: Helping Families After a Suicide tells the story, from the perspective of an eleven-year-old boy, Alex, and his family, as they are rocked by suicide and reeling from the aftermath. Through Alex's eyes, the reader sees the transformation of feelings after going through a suicide from a child's perspective, although he has the wisdom of a bereaved adult. 

New to the third edition, each chapter ends with Alex reflecting 10 years later on his experience, introducing family and friends in his recollections. Barbara Rubel has combined our modern academic theories of grieving, and the research that supports those theories, and then translated them into a readable story for anyone bereaved by suicide. 

The revised edition is an evidence-informed and contemporary treatment of a devastating form of loss that uses a hypothetical case study to render it in human terms. Through the story, the reader will understand what losing someone to suicide might be like for a family, how to make meaning, and ways to experience personal growth. This book provides guidance and education for clinicians and families to help suicide loss survivors. 

Part 1 offers a basic understanding of suicide postvention, complicated grief, mourning theories, and the impact on clinician survivors. Chapters have been updated, based on mourning models and the latest research.

The chapters in Part 2 build upon one another from the day of the suicide to the anniversary. At the end of each chapter, there are follow-up questions to explore in counseling sessions, support groups, therapy sessions, or at home. At the end of each chapter, Alex, at the age of 21, reflects back on how his father's death has changed his life, wounding him, but also helping him to grow. 

This award winning book explores a trauma-informed and grief-informed approach to helping those who are traumatically bereaved. 

For those who'd like to borrow But I Didn't Say Goodbye: For parents and professionals helping child suicide survivors, you can contact the funeral home and borrow it from our bereavement library.

If you'd like a copy of the newest edition of But I Didn't Say Goodbye, you can purchase a copy by visiting Barbara Rubel's website by clicking here.

 

Helping Children Grieve and Grow: A Guide For Those Who Care

Book Review

Helping Children Grieve and Grow: A Guide for Those Who Care was reviewed by Joy Johnson and appeared in Blessed Are They Who Mourn August 2000 issue. 

Helping Children Grieve and Grow; A Guide for Those Who Care, written by Donna O'Toole with Jerre Cory. Published by Compassion Press, 479 Hannah Branch Road, Burnsville, North Carolina 28714. Available from Centering Corporation, 1531 North Saddle Creek Road, Omaha, Nebraska 68104, (402)553-1200.

Donna O'Toole has been around the grief community for a long time. She's the author of the charming Aarvy Aardvark Finds Hope and Growing Through Grief, the excellent grief curriculum for schools, churches, and other groups. Now she's combined with Jerre Cory, social worker and educator, to create a very simple, usable book for everyone who works with grieving children.

This is an attractive book, done in shades of mauves and greens and yellows. The information inside is clearly done, easy to read and accurate. The authors welcome us and compare the way a child can grow through grief to a small acorn dropped from the ruins of a fallen oak. To break the seed from darkness into light requires effort and, as the skin Horse says in The Velveteen Rabbit, 'It doesn't happen all at once, it takes time. But when it happens it makes a real human being.'"

The section I like best and that I personally find most valuable is, "How can I understand the losses of children?" Here we find six categories of childhood loss from relationship loss (people and animals) to the loss of familiar habits and routine. We find a list of losses that are easily recognized, and those that are often not recognized. All in one clearly written page, we learn that loss means different things to different children, and that it spans a lifetime. The simple wisdom that strikes me here is the statement about how important it is to recognize the child's loss and name it. 

"When you name something you give it value." And when you name and identify it, you gather some control over it.

The next two pages, "How can I understand children's grief?" is not clear, and it could have been. There's enough room to make a list rather than absorb into paragraph form, but a lot of valuable information gets shared in a small space. "How will I know a child is grieving?" could have a better title, but it does bring us back to the easy listings that I find refreshing and very thorough.

All the remaining sections give good information too.

• "Do children and adults grieve the same way?"
• "Can I help children when I am grieving?"
• What can I say and do that will help?"
• "How do you talk to children about death?"
• "Are there special concerns that grieving children face?"

And there are three small sections on resources.

Are there weakness in this book? Yes-and they're totally what my taste dictates, others may well see them as strengths. There is a section entitled "What helps children bounce back?" and it's very good, but it's hidden between two pages of resources. This is a good section that I think would do better in a different spot, and it's a section where some wordiness clouds the simplicity found in the rest of the book. For example: "Intact personal boundaries: Children with intact personal boundaries can recognize and act on their unique need for personal autonomy-independence of thought and action. They can also rely on others when it is helpful to do so." I'm still not sure just exactly what that says.

There is a unique feature in this little book, and it may or may not be a weakness depending on your own tastes. The book is written much like a calendar, with the pages reading from side to side rather than up and down. You don't curl up with this little gem, you need a table or desk for the best comfort in reading. It likes being spread out. And it may like being hung up, too. The section on "How can I find help-to help the children?" could be better too. But then, after all, this is a small book and you can only list so much. Again, there's a wordiness not usually found in an O'Toole book, but that doesn't overly detract. It's good to see valuable material done in an easy, direct way. 

Helping Children Grieve and Grow: A Guide For Those Who Care by Donna O'Toole with Jerre Cory can be purchased from Amazon by clicking here.